Carrying the beautiful ðŸŒŸ

I’m not sure when exactly it started, but somewhere along the days of childhood to my teenage years, I must have lost that sense of identity. Who am I? It wasn’t a question I would ask myself, but rather, who do I want to be? Who do people want me to be? There would be people around me that appeared to be “the experts”, or those who have “made it in life”, and they inspired and influenced {whether in good or bad ways}, and then there would be the magazines and television shows that wired me to think that when I grow up, I “should” be of a certain type, a certain way to look, a particular way to be.

How lost I was.

And I didn’t even know I was lost.

I didn’t know my identity was incredibly lost in the midst of all that mess till, … God.found.me.

Till I was found.by.Him.

Till that very day, my journey of being known and loved by Him started on 7 July 2006.

::Turning back the clock to my primary school years, I vividly remember one teacher having that impact on my ability to receive. And it wasn’t a positive impact. Her words and opinions were so crucial to how I lived with the wound of not being able to believe that I could receive anything good. To receive the good that God had in store.

It was the day she announced to the class those students who would be going to the EM1 stream, meaning those who did well enough to go through to the top few classes next year {which was a praise-worthy moment!}.

She called name after name, and those who were called were to stand up. Finally, she looked at me, mumbled my name, and I stood up, hoping I heard her correctly. And her eyes just pierced through my soul, saying, “Don’t be too happy. You only got through by the skin of your teeth.” My heart was beating so fast. What did she mean? Was it what I heard? Why is she so mean?

Needless to say, she didn’t make it to my list of favorite teachers. Till now, just thinking about that incident {and many more fear-inducing episodes from her} makes me shudder….wondering how did she even come to the conclusion that her role as a teacher was to say such things; wouldn’t she know that it would hurt?

It’s the very reason why I decided to enter into the social service line in the first place. To love the children who are the world’s underdogs, to protect them from the harshness of the hurting people around them, and to share with them that I know how it feels to be put down, to be experiencing emotional pain. And to point them towards the only Person who can love them perfectly – God Himself.

Years later, I learnt to slowly let these painful memories go, but they never truly go away, don’t they? At least, for me, it takes a long, long while… It’s still a work in progress.

But I realised the beautiful part in all these, was in how God can still turn all of the ugly parts around to create something beautiful out of it. That He has used everything that I’ve gone through, to mould my character to be more like Christ, and nothing is wasted when I surrender my life’s experiences to Him who loves me.

The wounds may take time to heal, but I’ve learnt to forgive…and to receive the beauty of the ordinary. I don’t need to be the best in class to know that God loves me. I don’t need to prove to my teacher that I’m excellent, because the God of excellence is already working in me. I can wake up everyday looking foward to the bountiful blessings because of what God has already promised me in His Word. There’s just so much joy to be receiving each day!

Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Baggage by baggage, I’m unloading them unto my Savior, who promises that His yoke is easy and His burden is light. And I’m awakening my soul to the beauty that’s all around me, to the joy that no one can steal.

💫my jumble-mix of thanksgiving for Jan:

2015/01/img_5576.jpg

Who are you? Who has God made you to be? My heart is with you, as we allow God to unravel His beautiful masterpieces in us…in all of us. ✌️

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