Wallpapered Memories

I keep putting this off.

My heart is beating fast, and I’m asking, God…you sure? You want me to go there? And not just that, but to share this here?

He is gentle, and I take His hand into this journey…going downstream, exploring, investigating what has happened, and what Jesus is unravelling.

With trembling hands, and an expectant heart.
I move.
With Jesus, by my side.

The “Finding Spiritual Whitespace” bookclub is focusing on Chp 2 & 3 this week, and these were chapters that really had me stricken in fear. I read them slowly…treading into places unknown and at times, I felt very, very reluctant.

But knowing that when I took that leap of faith to share in THIS POST last week, it was a healing process for me {and many of you}, I remind myself that this is a journey to restedness, and that I’m not alone in it…knowing this does make it a lot better. Makes me a tad bit more courageous.

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I’ve been praying and asking for courage to share. Reminding myself that it’s all for His glory.

It didn’t come to me immediately though. So I kept asking – what is it that You are unravelling, Lord? Where is it that You want me to travel to, in this journey of rest and of trusting you?

And then it came.

God always answers.

I listened,
paused…anxious,
gulped.

But I’m choosing to obey. For I know He holds me close, and that’s all I need.

So here goes.

:::

Wallpapered memories? I think I possibly have more than these, but God revealed 2 that He desires for me to travel to today.

My bout of panic attacks.

I didn’t even recognise what it was when I tried tracing back to when it first happened.

It was during my uni days – full of promise. Full of hope.

But it happened.

I wouldn’t be able to breathe well. My heart would be pounding. I would be perspiring for no reason. And I would feel so anxious, I felt faint. All I desperately needed when it happened, was space and…someone next to me.

I didn’t know God then, so I dealt with it the only way I knew how. Which was to dismiss it as a wierd bodily reaction to whatever-caused-it, and hoped with all my might that it wouldn’t happen again.

But it did. 😦

Again, and again. Throughout my uni days.

I couldn’t function well. I was afraid of what was happening, but couldn’t make sense of it all. I didn’t have anyone to talk to about this. Not that no one cared, but I didn’t want to worry my loved ones with something that even I couldn’t really explain. At times, Bren would be with me when it happened, but even he couldn’t understand what I was really going through. I felt incredibly alone.

To be honest, I can’t remember when exactly it stopped. But I know it was after I accepted Christ into my life. Not that mild versions of it didn’t occur after that, but it was a whole lot better.

It was only many years later, that I read about such conditions, and the realization dawned on me. Light in the darkness of that scary period of my life…that yes, I had a season of panic attacks.

As I was praying through this wallpapered memory {really, why would anyone want to remember such pain and trauma?}, God unravelled yet another – and it came while I had breakfast with Bren this morning.

::Years ago, in secondary school, I had this friend whom I trusted and confided deeply in. She was someone I deemed as a very good friend, and I treasured our friendship.

One day however, after class, she had a huge misunderstanding with me {something to do with our Science homework}, and this scene is still so vivid in my mind – where she confronted me about it, didn’t trust that I didn’t know anything about it, and it got her very upset. She stormed off after looking straight at me, shouting, ζˆ‘ε―Ήδ½ ε€ͺε€±ζœ›δΊ†! Meaning, she was very disappointed with me. {I know, very drama} I remember standing at the school gate area, stunned by what just happened. I went back home in tears.

Till today, I’m still puzzled at how our friendship could not withstand a mere misunderstanding. But then again, we were both really young and silly.

And then God whispers as this wallpaper comes off, there – you see, you’ve been afraid of disappointing people.

*no words*

When God shines His Light into any place of darkness, Light always prevails.

All I can do, is to humbly acknowledge…yes, I have such an intense fear of disappointing people, especially those near and dear to me. And this fear that stemmed from my childhood days, possibly translated into panic attacks in my young adult period, when I would live in fear of not being able to do well in uni, that I would be not just disappointing my parents, but myself too.

Why was I so hard on myself? I don’t know. But now that God is slowly pulling down the wallpapers that I’ve been sticking on for the past many years, there’s a whiff of freedom that is in my soul right now.

There’s a sense of joy 😚 that my soul is allowed to savour right now. Now that I’m uncovering what has caused me to be wounded. God is healing me, from the inside out. From the depths of my heart, my soul. He is bigger than anything that I’ve experienced. He meets me where I am, in my mess…and bit by bit, He is cleaning me up.

I don’t have to wallpaper over anything anymore. I may forget sometimes, but in His timing, He will tear it down. Gently. Lovingly.

He loves my authentic self. My full voice. That’s what He wants. Not just a part of me, but all of it. The pain, the fear, the hurts, the anxiety, the shame, the guilt, the questions, the doubts….ALL of it. My full voice.

I can surrender it, for He loves me too much to leave me in my current state. I’m learning…to trust, to confide, to surrender.

::I went to work really early yesterday. I took my usual route to the bus-stop, but I stopped for a moment when my eyes caught sight of this.

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It may appear exceedingly ordinary, but it was the sunlight peeping out that attracted my heart, and that caused my feet to pause and to take in the beauty, the wonder. It brings me hope, to know how faithful God is. Every new sunrise, every new morning, is full of new mercies from Him.

✨A new day of grace.
🌟A new day of receiving His love once more. πŸ’«A new day of miracles, by my dear Heavenly Father.

He wants me to be free.

He wants you to be free too. πŸ™‚

What are your wallpapered memories? What is hidden deep into your heart, that sometimes, you don’t even realize they are still there?

May I lovingly encourage you to invite Jesus into those places. I know how it can be frightening, I know how it is easier to just “forget about it”.

But I also know that God wants us to be healed, and to trust Him with all parts of our lives, not just the “nice and presentable ones”.

I’m journeying with you, dear friends. May we have the courage to explore, and I’m praying for true rest to come into your lives as well.

Let’s be free…….😘

::my recent beautiful moments of rest.

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Let’s be brave. Let’s be loved. ✌️

::linking up with BelovedBrewsThursdays

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4 thoughts on “Wallpapered Memories

  1. Trudy Den Hoed says:

    This is beautiful. I’m so glad God is gently tearing down your wallpapered memories. This line especially caught my attention – “When God shines His Light into any place of darkness, Light always prevails.” Such a comfort to know His light has the power to dispel any darkness. God bless you!

  2. mummywords says:

    Gosh I also used to have panic attacks. My most serious also during my Uni days. I remembered there was a particular bad month where I had 20 fainting spells (turned cold, blanked out).. Those were really helpless days, I thought I’d never see the light at the end of the tunnel. I developed phobia each time I need to travel out. And I never carried laptop (or anything too heavy) when I travel ever since- it almost always spells trouble.. Thanks for sharing something so intimate. I think we should have known each other then, then we would not find ourselves so weird..

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