1 year on…

This Mandarin song by Stream of Praise anchored my IVF treatment last year: I Surrender My All. Listening to it again brings back so many memories, and tears me up each time. 

I would listen to this song before seeing the gynae, reminding my soul to remain rested in His ways. It helped with my nerves, especially before injections. 

On the day that we were waiting to receive the call regarding the outcome of the IVF treatment, 20 October 2014, I did not want to focus on anything other than God’s Word and His promises. Time seemed to crawl…..and it wasn’t easy centering my thoughts on God. 

I would play the same song, and listen to songs in the same album too. This went on for hours and hours on repeat till finally after a late lunch, I received the call from the nurse. 

Her voice was soft and gentle, as if she was treading on shaky ground. And the truth was, she was indeed. My heart was in this state of calmness and trembling, wrestling hard back and forth between the two. 

Bren was right in front of me, watching my face carefully for any expression that might clue him into the treatment’s results. 

I’m sorry but you’re not pregnant.

My ears could hear those words, but my heart couldn’t make sense of it at all. 

I got her to repeat {the poor nurse}, and so she repeated something about my Hcg levels being less than 1, and a bit more info that simply flew past my crushed heart. 

All I could think of was, what do you mean I’m not pregnant? How can it be unsuccessful? God says He’ll make me fruitful! And what God says, He’ll fulfill! 

I was a quiet mess inside, stunned and devastated. I decided to hand the phone over to Bren, who wasn’t doing much better either. 

After the call ended, we gave in to the crying. 😭 We cried, we hugged, we recalled the whole IVF process…and we cried and cried and cried. 

We cried for the loss. For the pain of the loss. For the hope that was gone. We cried and cried, till we reached that place of complete emptiness. 

I knew I needed to update my bosses and team of staff, because my hospitalization leave was till that very day, and would only be extended if I was pregnant. But I just couldn’t. At least not yet. I was just so tired out from all the crying. 

There was a tiny part of me that was still hoping. There was a tiny part of me that still believed God’s Word and His faithfulness. There was that tiny part of me that knew God loved me, and that He was the One who led me on this journey, and that this cannot be the very ending of His story. It just couldn’t be the end. 

That tiny part in me was there solely by His grace and mercy. 

That tiny part was somehow multiplied by His grace, and it allowed me to carry my grief into His presence…and slowly, He lovingly healed my weary soul. 

I’m allowing myself to go into this very painful day of mourning – 20 October 2014, because 1 year on – on this very day, 20 October 2015, God has shown me yet again how faithful He really is by arranging for the same people who supported me during the period of grief last year, to bless me with their visit this afternoon. 

This is how wonderful God is. 🙂 Right to the very day…His timing is always perfect and full of love. 

If it wasn’t because of my bosses who insisted I work from home, giving me the space to grief and heal, I wouldn’t be able to get to a better place so fast. If it wasn’t because of my lovely team of staff that assured me that things at the Centre would still run smoothly, I wouldn’t be able to rest my mind about work, even if I was resting at home. 

I don’t want to ever forget His faithfulness to me, nor take any of this wonderful story for granted. ❤️

Who knew, that when I was mourning 1 year ago, that 1 year later, I would be joyfully anticipating the arrival of my baby girl? 

Who knew, that as Bren and I cried our most broken hearts away, that exactly 1 year later, our hearts would not just be wholly mended, but also bursting with excitement to receive our gift of life?

No one knew. Only God knew. 

It is His story after all, and it’s such an honor to be able to testify of His love and goodness. 

💕 A photo to remind myself that God truly works all things for our good. We can always trust Him, for He is our awesome, good Shepherd. 🙂   

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3 thoughts on “1 year on…

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